3C 48: Reporting from Outer Space | QSO Media

An image of the title card for Twin Peaks, showing the titular mountains in the background. In front of these we see some tall sparse trees, and a sign reading "Welcome to Twin Peaks". Some green and black text appears in the foreground, reading "APES GONE".

The 11 Twin Peaks Characters Who I Think Still Buy NFTs


Let’s be real, they’re as scary as any lodge being

If you said the phrase “non-fungible token” (NFT) to me six years ago, I’d picture something like garmonbozia, the physical manifestation of pain and sorrow found in Twin Peaks. It feels apt, somehow.

The reality is much sadder, if you can believe it. NFTs are assets stored on the blockchain, commonly in the form of image files. For a while, they were all the rage, but now they’re mostly worthless. In fact, over 95% of NFTs are worth nothing.

They’re also completely cringe and embarrassing. Plus, most of them look like shit.

More importantly, the environmental impact caused by NFTs is terrible. The massive energy usage creates large greenhouse gas emissions, and despite some efforts to offset this, it’s still a major concern.

NFTs are viewed by many people, myself included, as a passing fad; an expensive joke. Of course, there’s still some people out there desperately trying to make this work. Dave Mustaine‘s still trying to make a buck, and thanks to the powers of imagination, I’ve learned there’s some residents of Twin Peaks who’re in on it too.

For me, one of Mark Frost‘s and David Lynch‘s major strengths has been creating unforgettable, three-dimensional characters. Some of them clearly suck enough as people to be into NFTs.

There’s so much material in the weird world of Twin Peaks to dig through, and while there’s no mention of the crypto landscape (thank goodness), I’ve compiled a roundup of characters who, for one reason or another, could still be into NFTs to this day.

An obligatory disclaimer – NFTs suck, this isn’t financial advice, and don’t spend money on a link to a picture of a pixelated monkey. This is just a flight of fancy.

Now that’s out of the way, let’s rock. Pour out a cup of coffee, serve up some cherry pie, and read on to learn which Twin Peaks characters are most likely to be missing their apes.

11. Hank Jennings

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Hank Jennings, a white man slightly hunched over with a stern expression. He wears a black leather jacket and has short dark hair. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Hank Jennings (Chris Mulkey) is, in my opinion, one of the best Twin Peaks villains. He’s a horrible man, for sure – but an entertaining one to root against. That’s why the idea of him getting really into NFTs fits his character so perfectly.

I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why Harry Truman (Michael Ontkean) wants absolutely nothing to do with him. I can picture them butting heads over the idea of minting a Bookhouse Boys Crypto Token, whatever the hell that is. Either way, Hank would’ve been all for it, which tells us everything we need to know.

10. Pete Martell

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Pete Martell, an older white man who is smiling. He wears a wide-brimmed hat and a coat. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Let’s get one thing clear before we begin. Pete Martell (Jack Nance) doesn’t know a damn thing at all about how NFTs work. He may not even own a computer. If he let a fish get into the percolator, who knows what damage he could do to a laptop!

So why is he here, I hear you ask? Well, a major theme of Twin Peaks is how even seemingly good men can allow bad things to happen. Pete’s not choosing to ignore the negative impact of blockchain technology, he just doesn’t know any better. This does not make him an innocent man. He has been weighed and been found wanting.

9. Albert Rosenfeld’s assistant #1

A still from Twin Peaks, showing FBI agent Albert Rosenfeld, a white man with short dark hair. At either side, two agents are present, both wearing suits and sunglasses.

Look at the guy on the left. It’s a shame the actor went uncredited, because he absolutely nailed it in his performance of a guy with a big account called something like BApeFreak68.

8. Red

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Red, a white man with short grey hair. He looks toward the right, with a stern expression. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Despite only appearing for three episodes, Red (Balthazar Getty) left a strong impression on me when watching The Return. Namely, the impression of a guy who would corner you outside a bar to try and explain his “portfolio”.

I don’t care, Red! Piss off! I didn’t even like you in the show! Ugh!

7. Agent Chester “Chet” Desmond

A still from Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, showing FBI agent Chet Desmond. He wears a plain white suit and a tie, and appears to be holding an open book. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Sorry, Chet (Chris Isaak), you just looks like he’s at least considered buying apes. No deeper meaning to it. Great work on the Blue Rose task force, though.

6. Janey-E Jones

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Janey-E, a white woman with medium length blond hair. She wears a sleeveless white top and is stood with her arms crossed, talking to two men. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

I initially only chose Janey-E (Naomi Watts) as her name kinda rhymes with NFT. Then I thought about it some more, and I really can see her being swept along by some kind of trend like NFTs.

Picture the scene where she’s yelling at the dudes in a park – I can see her doing the same against someone who tries explaining the environmental damage caused by blockchain technology.

5. Doctor Lawrence Jacoby

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Doctor Lawrence Jacoby. He is a white man with curly hair, wearing a floral patterened shirt, a waistcoat, and coloured red and blue glasses. He holds two balls in his right hand. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Ah, Doctor Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn). Quack psychiatrist, conspiracy spreader, and… Crypto bro?

I’m confident that this guy doesn’t just buy NFTs, he tried to make them. He also tried creating a weird cryptocurrency called AmpCoin (I refuse to check if that already exists), which didn’t take off.

After tallying his ill-gotten gains, he invests roughly 40% of his money towards collecting apes and such. To paraphrase the man himself: You can’t see their appeal without a cosmic flashlight. Guess what? He’s got one. Oh, yeah. And its beam, it penetrates the igneous rock of ignorance. It flips that rock over, and there they are, exposed, wriggling, squirming, crawling on their bellies like foul maggots, frantically racing back to the cover of darkness that they so crave. He’s coming for you. Yeah, he’s coming for you!

4. Benjamin Horne

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Benjamin Horne, a white man with short curly dark hair, wearing a striped shirt, a suit jacket, and clear glasses. He holds a cigarette. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Ol’ Benjamin (Richard Beymer) differentiates himself from other members of this list because he knows NFTs are a big scam. Much like his opposition to the Ghostwood scheme, it’s all a cover up – just a way to get him in people’s good books. He knows that with the support of the crypto bro community, he’ll be in a better position to fleece them for all the money they have, which he’ll spend on mountains of cocaine, or something.

What a scumbag. Did anyone else hate him the moment they saw him or is that just me?

3. Dick Tremayne

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Dick Tremayne, a white man with a smug smile. He holds a very long cigarette in his hand. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Dick (Ian Buchanan), on the other hand, thinks he’s like Ben Horne. He is not. He thinks he’s gaming the system, but he’s not even got the right controller.

His @BigDickXCrypto Twitter handle remains furiously active, trying to build hype for particular collections, hoping to make a big profit while snagging some art that he thinks will help pick up some babes. Instead, he’s just flushed his fortunes down the drain on some absolute dogshit.

I bet he gets pissed off when Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz) simply copies-and-pastes his images.

2. Chad Broxfort

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Chad Broxford, a white police officer in uniform sat at a desk, hands held. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Oh, Chad (John Pirruccello). You’re not quite my most hated character in The Return, but I’ll be damned if you don’t try. I’m not surprised you’ve been siphoning police funds to support your bundle of blockchain bitmaps.

I mean, ACAB, obviously, but still, the citizens of Twin Peaks deserve better. While all the other cops in town haven’t yet figured out this newfangled thing – personally, I think Frank Truman (Robert Forster) thinks they’re some sort of mushroom – Chad’s driving the department into the future, with no brakes. And brother, he’s about to crash.

1. Jerry Horne

A still from Twin Peaks, showing Jerry Horne, an excited looking white man. He smiles while eating some cheese. The background is a mosaic pattern with the same colours as the central image.

Come on, it can’t be anyone else other than Jerry (David Patrick Kelly). Look at this fucker.

Think of the way he screams at his own feet in The Return. This is a man whose apes are well and truly gone.

AC is the Head of Written Content at QSO Media. Read more of their articles here.

Many of Twin Peaks’ filming locations were on Snoqualmie land. Learn more about the Snoqualmie Ancestral Lands Movement here, and donate to the Snoqualmie Valley Food Bank here.

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